Ankylosing Spondylitis Has Robbed Me Of Being Desirable

  Happy Sunday! It's a gorgeous, sunny day at my house. After weeks of snow and rain it feels so great to have sunshine pouring into our home.

  My goal for today is to go for a long walk on our local walking trail. I'm writing this while waiting for my husband to get ready to go with me. The exercise will be good for both of us.

  My husband had aortic valve and aortic root replacement 6 years ago. He has never returned to the same person he was before the surgery. He sleeps for hours and hours, sometimes all day. Unless I nag him, he'd spend all weekend in bed. I find myself longing for the "go-getter" he used to be. He was energetic, fun, and wanted to do things with me. He used to get me in the vehicle and we'd drive nowhere in particular. Sightseeing was our adventure. We'd camp, hike, and talk for hours. He also used to write me love letters, buy me flowers for no reason, and call me just to say "I love you". I miss those little things. When I ask why he doesn't do those things anymore, his response is "if you ask me to do it, I can't because it wouldn't be my idea". I suppose that makes sense to him. Three years ago all I asked for Valentine's Day was a love letter. I still haven't got one, as a matter of fact I haven't got anything. I know that sounds materialistic. I can see his love for me daily. The way he has taken care of me when I'm in pain with a flare of my AS, is amazing. He will help me put my clothes on when my body doesn't want to cooperate. I couldn't make it through this battle with Ankylosing Spondylitis without him. My husband is my rock.

  I guess my fear is he has took care of me so long that he may not see me as a woman. Maybe I'm just a patient fighting a disease that weakens me. Ankylosing Spondylitis and Scoliosis has deformed my body. Pain and medication side effects have made me twice the size of the woman he used to be attracted to. I know it's tiring to always be needed. I wish we could time travel back to before his surgery and before my AS issues. To have one more day of that free spirited, all consuming love and attraction would be my greatest desire.

  If you are in relationship, I hope you can achieve a separation of disease and desire. After 33 years of being in a relationship (almost 29 of those married), I think our lines have blurred. Maybe today I will attempt to bring our spark back. Hummm....this could be interesting!

  Have fun today friends! Gentle hugs to you!

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