The Deepest Pain Of All

  I'm wondering if you've ever felt the kind of pain that cuts you to your core. I'm not talking about Ankylosing Spondylitis pain. We deal with it in one form or another daily. I'm speaking of emotional pain. The hurtful pain that makes your heart ache. I've experienced some painful emotions in my 46 years but there are a few that stands out as the worst.

  Sometimes I wonder do the people who inflected those wounds know how deeply they hurt me. I think some probably realize, but then there are others who may be oblivious. How can someone hurt you deeply and not realize? I think they must be very self absorbed individuals. I try to always be respectful of other's feelings. However, being human means sometimes we all make mistakes. Sometimes you might say something that was meant one way but taken a complete different way. I have worried when I think I might have offended someone. Literally, I can't sleep from worrying about it. My grandfather passed away before I was born, but I've been told by many people that they never heard him say a bad word about anyone and was always willing to help people. I strive to life my life in such a manner as to leave such a good testimony behind when I die. 

  Thinking back to those deepest hurts brings tears to my eyes today. You know it was a deep hurt when years later you can sit down and still cry about it. One of those times involved someone very close to me. You think you know someone so well, you think they would lie down their life before hurting you. I don't know if this person did what they did thinking it would be hidden from me or what their thought process was. I will never get over that hurt. Not to be dramatic but I don't think a physical cut could have hurt any worse. I've moved forward but that pain holds me back in some ways. I'm not sure they can understand what they took from me. My sense of safety was shaken. 

  Then there's the hurt of giving your best to something and hearing it wasn't good enough. I pushed myself beyond my limitations. I was proud of myself. I felt good, accomplished. In hearing peoples comments later, I realized they thought I could've did better. I live with knowing I gave it my all but the pain of comments still hurt. This happened years ago, but I continue to push myself and do my best. As long as I know I've hit my full capabilities, I will be happy. I'm a bit of a perfectionist in some ways, I don't want anything done half way. I can drive people crazy in that sense, just ask my husband. haha!

  I hope if you haven't experienced this deep hurt, that you never do. If you have been hurt deeply, I hope you can move forward and not let it scar you forever. Dealing with an autoimmune disease has us fighting our own bodies. If we allow our emotional pain to fester, our body will suffer more. Here's hoping you can find a way to deal with your emotional pains.

  Gentle hugs until next time!