How Can I Lose Weight and Lose The Shame

  I wrote, not too long ago, about I need to lose weight. As many of you know that is easier said than done. At my last rheumatologist appointment I was dreading stepping on the scales. This dread was compounded by my mom standing close enough to read the scale. My mother has not been kind about the fact that I weigh too much. In fact, she has had both my sister and I in tears many times.

  I hold my breath as I step on the scale, as if that will help me weigh less. The digital readout flips between a couple numbers and finally stops at my weight. I currently weigh more than I ever have in my life. Even more than during my pregnancies! 

  I wish I could blame it on medication side effects, but that would only be one component. Last year, I was changed from Humira to Enbrel and then from Enbrel to Cosentyx. I also had flares last year that were treated with steroids. 

  I know a lot of my habits were the culprit. I have never been a healthy eater. From being anorexic as a teenager and weighing barely 100 lbs as a senior in high school to now being obese. My intention is to eat healthier but after a few days or weeks I give up and return to my old eating habits. I crave salty food daily. I fight these cravings for a while but eventually give in to them. I'm not sure why salt is the focus of my cravings. 

  Lately, I haven't been exercising either. I love to walk on a local trail, but there were some muggings on the trail. My husband doesn't want me to walk alone on the trail anymore. I've tried to get him to accompany me but he has no interest in that. His response is he gets enough exercise at work. Although, he weighs more than ever as well, 196 lbs. When I mention that fact to him, he turns the conversation back to my weight problem. I leave with the impression that as long as he weighs less than me, he thinks he's fine. He is great at giving advice but never follows it himself. During our weight/exercise talks I usually end up with hurt feelings. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

  I'm going to the grocery store this morning. I'm going to try to buy healthy choices.

  I need motivation!
  I need exercise!
  I need focus!
  I need to lose 100 lbs!
  
 I'm putting this out there as a I usually try to hide it from everyone.... I weigh 226 lbs. That's even hard to type! I'm tired of hiding behind people in pictures because I am ashamed of my body. I'm tired of trying to hide the size tags when I buy new clothes. I'm tired of buying a couple sizes bigger so it won't cling to my stomach. I'm tired of being ashamed to take a selfie because of my fat double chin. I'm tired of being embarrassed to attend events at my children's schools because of my weight. I'm tired of not attending my husband's Christmas work dinner because I'm ashamed of my body. I'm tired of feeling my husband is ashamed of my body. I'm tired of hearing the mean comments.

  Hopefully I can post weekly updates. Maybe you guys can help me stay on track. Any ideas? Tips?

  Thanks my friends. May you have a pain free week without AS rearing it's ugly self. 

  Gentle hugs AS warriors!

  

No comments:

Post a Comment