Self Doubt & A Dishcloth

  As I have mentioned, I had to give up my employment last December. I try to find projects to occupy my mind when I feel well enough to produce something. Sometimes it may take me many days to finish the project, due to the fatigue or pain Ankylosing Spondylitis bestows upon me. My husband would say some projects have taken years and are still incomplete. Specifically, a train cross stitch I began for my son's 5th birthday, my son is now almost 22 years old and it's not completed yet. I'm not sure why I can't seem to finish it. It has become a inside family joke. There isn't a lot left to do on it, maybe this will be a Christmas present this year.

  I decided since we are now a one income family, I need to "make" as many Christmas presents as possible. I am self conscious about sharing my crafts with family and friends. I always fear it's not good enough or not perfect.

  That fear has been the story of my life. Looking back on my life, I have always felt I had to be perfect. I have suffered an extreme amount of anxiety due to thinking what I did was not perfect. I have shunned away from opportunities due to the fear. I internally always think someone else could have did better than I. This overwhelming fear has extended to every aspect of my life. Even cooking meals for friends or gatherings has caused me to worry. Thinking the food may not taste as good as if someone else cooked it. How can one person have so much self doubt? I'm not sure where the fear came from but I remember it as far back as when I was 6 or 7 years old. It's strange I can recognize my fear of failure but can do nothing to rid myself of it.

  While raising my three children, I have always tried to teach them not to allow fear to hold them back from anything. When my daughter was a young teenager I encouraged her to travel with classmates to Europe, even though inside I wanted to hold her closely by my side. I encouraged her to travel, make new friends, and try new adventures. When she was deciding on a college, she had planned to live at home and commute daily. After touring the college she chose, I encouraged her to live on campus and experience life as an independent young woman. Thanks to my daughter's life experiences, she is my window into living a life I was never able to, because of all my self doubt. My middle child also has had amazing experiences. He works as a community servant and deals with a huge variety of situations and people. He has faced difficult days but triumphed above all of them. My youngest child is still unsure of himself in many aspects. I encourage him to step out of his comfort zone. I know he has a bright, brilliant future ahead of him. My children are my heroes, my greatest joys. I have been given the most wonderful job of all, raising these three exceptional human beings.

  In writing this post, I intended to share a picture of the craft I am making for the ladies on my Christmas list. Somehow I went off that subject on a long and curvy road about self doubt and fear. Perhaps I needed to vent or maybe this will be an encouragement to someone in need.

  In closing, I will get back to my homemade gift. I am crocheting each of the ladies on my list a couple dishcloths. The dishcloths are not perfect by no means. I may have missed a stitch here or there. Some may be a tad larger than others. Some are definitely not square, but they are being made with love. I hope my friends will enjoy them and overlook their imperfections. Working on these dishcloths have given me a sense of accomplishment and kept my mind off my disease. While I crochet these I am the winner, not Ankylosing Spondylitis!

  Have a fabulous Monday friends. Don't allow anything to hold you back this week!